Survivor Stories From Cults & Coercive Control

This incident involved a Christian community living in one household of about a dozen members. This included several married couples and single people. The incident involved one married couple in conflict with the community leader. The wife of the couple no longer wanted to be a community member but the husband did. As a result the wife was considered a nonmember and not subject to usual agreed community expectations. There was a general understanding at this time that marriages should be preserved if at all possible. The leader, however, was not satisfied with this arrangement. With hindsight, I can see that the leader was annoyed that he had lost any control or influence over this woman. So he called a meeting of everyone except the wife. The husband was present and so was I. The leader proceeded to argue that the woman was in spiritual rebellion and this required serious measures in order to return her to a humble submissive state. His plan was that when the wife returned to the house, all group members were to surround her so that she could not leave the room. The leader would then shout at her, tell her she was rebelling against God and listening to the devil in order her to get her to repent. The husband was reluctant to go along with this, and the rest of us were silent in the face of his persuasive arguments that this course of action was important and spiritually necessary. The tactic of physically preventing someone from leaving the room, was supposed to aid in supposedly breaking the womans resistance. When the wife arrived the group members surrounded her in a small room. The leader proceeded to chastise her, shouting at her and physically shaking her and telling her she was following the devil. This action did not convince the wife to repent or change. She announced she was leaving and was prepared to divorce her husband if necessary over this. She then left the room pushing past group members to exit the room and leave the house. Contrary to the leaders expectations, the other group members did not prevent her from leaving the room. The leader was angry that others had not done what he wanted. However I think most of the members were shocked by the turn of events, especially because this action had not caused the wife to change, but had convinced her to leave altogether. Most group members had conscience enough that they would not physically prevent someone from leaving who wanted to leave, even though they had just stood by and watched what would be described as physical coercion, abuse and bullying. I myself was too blind to see it for what it was at the time, and years later I am dismayed at myself that I allowed this action to happen without objecting to it. The husband in a state of remorse, left the house to chase after his wife. This action had almost destroyed their marriage, but he was able to salvage it. I think the leader realized he had gone too far, and had also alienated the husband and shocked other group members, everyone being emotionally disturbed by what had happened. The leader decided to back off on any further dramatic and abusive actions. The wife eventually agreed to return to the house and continue as a nonmember. The leader, however, was still unsatisfied, and eventually created another incident in which the couple were both accused of rebellion and forced to leave the community through confusing verbal arguments and dishonest accusations made in order to get rid of them. Seeing as the leader was regarded in high esteem and clever with words, most members were not able to recognize or believe he would dishonestly accuse people. But this would be a repeating pattern with other people that disagreed with the leader in future. Many years later I was also removed from the group, as were other older members, using similar tactics, but without physical coercion. Eventually I came to realise that the leader had a Narcissistic personality disorder in which he had an excessive desire to be in control of others and to covertly manipulate and use dishonesty to further this control. During that particular era, very little was known or discussed about Narcissism and its insidious behaviors by people in positions of power. More attention was on evil cult leaders who abused people financially, caused them to live in isolation from society and persuaded them to suicide a.k.a Jim Jones. The lesser evils of dishonesty, and emotional manipulation, and persuasion was not so readily understood by the public. In 2024 more is being discussed about what is now called “coercive control” of others particularly in domestic abuse situations. Questions about religious leaders use or abuse of persuasion is coming under greater scrutiny. In more recent history, this particular leader is coming under public criticism for taking the group into more isolation and persuading group members to minimize contact with family members and friends. Group members voluntarily choose this, because to disagree would mean loss of group membership. It is causing more distress among parents that their adult offspring are not communicating with them in the usual socially expected manner. The use of isolation and removing parental influence increases the persuasive control of the leadership over the group, and reduces the emotional conflict of group members to outside influence.